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  • Writer's pictureKailah Sapwell

Learning to do life without you.

Updated: Jan 14, 2020

Life is crazy and life is relentlessly wild and it has been a rollercoaster learning how to be a mum without you.

It throws you curve balls when you least expect them and it slams you when you thought you couldn’t possibly have anything more to give.

It has been 15 months without you by my side. A whole 15 months of needing your advice, your love, your strength and your guidance at a time that I needed you most and I have been barely surviving.

Great, I am two sentences in and I am already glistening with tears from the heartache that losing you brings.

I thought then that life was hard watching you fight, I thought then that life was already challenging but oh I was so incredibly wrong. The pain of watching you fight was nothing compared to the pain of you taking your last breathe.

The days (or years!) of sitting beside your hospital bed when your body couldn’t keep up with the Chemo are still so vivid in my mind. But I am thankful that the love in your eyes, your beautiful smile, and your incredible strength is really what will be forever etched in my memories.

Since you have been gone I can honestly say that I haven’t allowed myself time to grieve, it is much easier to stay busy, to stay focused and to stay strong. And, let’s be honest having a 2.5 year old and 16 month old, peeing in peace is a luxury.

To actually sit down and actually feel your absence kills me. It’s suffocating. It’s a kind of pain I wouldn’t wish for anyone. But when I allow myself to think, I realise that it also means that the pain I feel with losing you resembles the immense love I have for you, so it’s comforting.

What I really struggle with is the lack of patience, the frustration and the intense anger that also comes with grief,

The need to scream at the top of my lungs because I just have nothing more to give that day,

The realisation that you’re not going to answer your phone,

The seeing other young mums out having coffee with their mum,

The boys learning something new and only you would have cared as much as I do,

The seeing other Nana's with their grand-babies,

The questions I have about motherhood that will always be unanswered,

The questions about my marriage and relationships,

The learning how to do life without you,

It’s all of these things that carve away at my happiness, daily.

But then when the rain passes for a split second and the sun actually shines, I am gently reminded of the legacy that you left behind of the values you taught me and the values I will teach my boys.

Your love for your family was ultimately your strength and your biggest drive in life, and that too is now mine.

These two little monkeys (who you would be so proud of!) consistently test me and my (already) lack of patience, but they also remind me that it is ok to leave the dirty washing pile if it means I get to sneak in a cheeky cuddle on the couch and it's ok that they just smudged Playdoh into the carpet whilst we were creating memories.

Losing you has taught me to embrace the days when things don’t go to plan, to make sure the boys laugh and feel loved when they are sad and to create positives from negatives because there is always a silver lining.

For me, my silver lining is always ensuring my baby boys feel twice the amount of love, because the love that you had for them was enormous and endearing.

And for my business, my silver lining of losing you has given me the drive to make use of my expertise by hosting an event to raise awareness and funds for Endometrial Cancer Research in the hope that one day no-one or their loved ones will ever receive the news we did in October 2015.

At my Fundraising Event, Bubbles + Hair, my clients will get the opportunity to sip bubbles whilst having their hair done in preparation for their Perth New Years Event. All money made that day will be donated to Gynaeological Cancer Research - - in loving memory of you and your journey, mumma duck x

If you would like more information about our event, please feel welcome to check it out:

Thankyou for reading x

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